de-frocking priests

midway through the rehearsal, i began to harbour grave doubts about the rubber chicken.

the church was so, well, churchy and imposing. father mike ran such a tight ship. and he kept stepping to me. i didn't bow right. i screwed up that thing where you cross yourself. i couldn't recall the 'hail mary' thingy. on top of it all, it was my plan to present the bride and groom, tomorrow, on their big fat holy day- a rubber chicken.

it seemed like a good idea at the time i thought of it. several of us were asked to bring 'surprise' symbolic gifts to the wedding, along with a nugget of wisdom for the the newlyweds. my foul was to represent the importance of keeping warm and honest looniness in your life. and it seemed pretty damned valid.

then, father mike cornered me at the rehearsal dinner.

"you are planning on pulling it together for the ceremony. yes, child?"

"oh, yeah. you bet."

"and you did remember to work jesus into your speech?"

right. jesus. now, that girl from gone with the wind might know nothing 'bout birthing no babies, but i know nothing about jesus. except that he has this thing for washing other guy's feet and he really likes wine.

did he enjoy a good fart joke? ever wear the old 'arrow through the head?' boy that jesus, loved the seltzer down the pants.

in the end, i bowed, crossed myself like a real live christian, and delivered up the rubber chicken and a soul stirring speech with equal panache.

my advice ended with the words- "always, always fall for the banana in the tail pipe."

it killed. in the best possible way. even father mike was impressed, his wine flushed face beamed at me, during the reception. he felt i captured the spirit of the day beautifully. score.

later, the groom told me that father mike said- "if i could get a girl as sexy as that, i'd forsake my vows and marry her."

that's me. de-frocking priests throughout the pacific northwest.

hello hell.