all day sucker

five years ago, i would’ve been mortified, shamefaced. i would’ve protested- “no, really, i’m dark and brooding. hip, deep, edgy.”

"Congratulations! You're the eternal optimist, a regular "Sunshine Day" of a person. When it rains, you think about how good the water is for the flowers and trees rather than how wet you're getting."

ten years ago, I would’ve had no choice but to take a hacksaw to my wrists on general principal.

“ Sure, that opens you up for a few let-downs, but that's okay — your great attitude will help you deal with them if and when they come. In the long run, it doesn't really matter at all; everything's going to be all right!”

throughout high school and college, there was nothing worse than to be deemed one of the ‘shiny, happy, people.” it was the death of intellectual cred. the folks who listened to velvet underground and read bukowski and watched jim jarmush films (stuff i like) were ironic, sarcastic, holding a deep boredom and disdain for the banality and petty chicanery of life.

to be surprised or awed or exuberant was the mark of a sucker. A rube. A dupe. And who wants that?

“You like meeting new people and thoroughly enjoy their companionship. More likely to trust someone than not, you always see the good in people.”

i believed that my heart, with its refusal to grow a protective coating, belied a shallow soul. the soul of a cheerful monkey, devoid of meaningful thought or reflection.

my heart- easily squished, easily mended, easily surprised. apt to stop on a dime or go racing after butterflies on a penny.

it knows that life is full of crass casualty, dicing time, random brutality, doom, chaos, and puppy stranglers.

it also knows that once a boy stroked my face, eyes filled with something akin to wonder, while saying- “we’re naked, j.” and we truly were.

that there was a night when a friend did a hand puppet show so funny, I laughed until I cried and then past that ‘till I peed.

there is a toddler who said- “don’t be sad about your daddy. I’ll lift you up to the sky so you can see him.”

there is the smell of new plastic pool toys and the taste of honey on fingertips.

right now, something incredibly fucking gorgeous is colliding with its evil twin. right now, there’s a steaming pile of crap with a grundle of white truffles growing happily in its fetid warmth.

right now, I’m alive.

“You learn from your mistakes and do your best to make everyone around you happy to be alive. Keep it up! "

the gods of ‘tickle’s personality test” have spoken. it’s official.

I’m a sucker.

An all day sucker.

Lick me.