li'l punkins

his mom made us matching pumpkin costumes. fat and ripe and boldly orange with green stem hats and tights. but, then i went to thrifty's with my mom and they had this cute kitty cat mask. i badgered her until she bought it for me.

when he opened the door, in all is pumpkiny glory, and saw me.. black leotard, black tights, cat mask... he burst into tears. bitter, bereft tears. i never saw anyone look so sad. but i refused to let it penetrate. because i felt so cute as a black cat. and because he wasn't the boss of me. i tossed my head and pretended like he was being ridiculous.

i loved shane more than anyone. when our moms said we were too big to go to the bathroom together, i would hide in the shower while he peed. then we'd switch places. we couldn't stand to be apart. we shared the same birthday and countless matching cakes. raggedy ann and andy. cinderella and her prince. we even pledged to get married when we were old, like 19.

i didn't let myself feel bad at the time. but years later, after the call came. the 3 a.m. call. the one where his mom says "he's gone." and i say "where?" before it hits. i kept thinking about breaking the boy's heart on our 5th halloween.

i wish i had a 'way before' machine and could go back and wear that damned pumpkin costume. or at least offer him an apology.

or maybe i'll just work harder on keeping my word true and my heart soft.