at least not today

she spat the words. "you are a movie snob!"

she was angry. that trembly ragey angry you get just before you deck somebody, pow, right in the kisser. but, we're girls of the non-decking variety, so she contented herself with redfaced yelling.

"hating "titanic" doesn't make me a movie snob. i find it grossly manipulative. it has no heart or soul to speak of, the dialogue is terrible, the characters one dimensional. but it is pretty. and the boat is real big."

we've had this argument countless times. carbon copies. in triplicate. "mr. holland's opus." "ghost." "beaches." stacie loves accusing me of being the type who only likes movies about 'gay cowboys eating pudding'

that's not entirely true (although i do love gays and cowboys and pudding). what moves me (in film, music, books) is the feeling that something alive and human is going on. something real or messy or profound or sexy or sublimely dorky. it doesn't have to be deep. it doesn't have to have a point. i just have to believe there is a heart beating within the work.

unless.... you catch me on a day when my heart is leaky. then, i'll weep at general foods international coffee commercials and listen to lionel ritchie all day.

or a snippet of pop fluff from a six year old's cd will waft into my ears and strike a chord so deep i have to pull the car over.

"YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR HAIR. YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES. IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND. THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES. BUT I'M GONNA KEEP YOUR JEANS. AND YOUR OLD BLACK HAT. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET THEM BACK. AT LEAST NOT TODAY."

It strikes me that sometimes, today, you need those old jeans. you need their comfort and their scent. you need to wear them while your shaky hands pour the coffee that feels bitter in your gut. you wear the hat because washing your hair is too much effort. you need those things today.

and one murky afternoon, you'll look down and be wearing new jeans, or maybe a skirt. and you won't even remember having made the choice to change. and you'll realize that your hair is silky and smells like rain and you want to wear it down. and you'll know that you're healing.

and the journey from here to there isn't so terribly long. but it doesn't have to be today.