everything i needed to learn i learned from winona ryder

my standard response to a friend or loved one in need is a) offer a shoulder (or supple breast) to cry on and b) offer this sage advice- "what you need is six inches of bod and a great summer" (sixteen candles)

i never learned none of them 'idle hands are the devil's work' type axioms for a life well lived from my folks. and i never read good books until high school (when it was too late) instead, i culled my philosophical type knowledge from exhaustive movie and t.v. watching.

this is why i am retarded. but these are the words i live my life by.

different strokes- 'never mix wine and ice cream, when in the presence of a pedophile.'

ferris buehler's day off- "you never respect anyone who kisses your ass." i never kiss ass. except under very special circumstances, mmm.

the heathers- "i love my dead, gay son." i do love me the gays, always have.

say anything- "i don't want to sell anything bought, sold, or processed." words to live by. and stay impoverished by. and cherish, while eating 19 cent ramen.

the jerk- "i'm picking out a thermos for you. not an ordinary thermos will do. but the extra best thermos money can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in." my paradigm for true love.

if he won't pick you out a thermos, he ain't worth the trouble.

thanks, pop culture!