crazed ragamuffin

you may think the biggest perk of being an absolute dictator is-

world domination or
palaces stocked with solid golden showers or
never ending supply of smores'n' whores or
the ability to wear military style epaulets without the snide michael jackson references

you're wrong.

the biggest perk is the cool ass 'officially sanctioned' nicknames your huddled masses have to call you. take kim jon-il for instance. his include-

"Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States" (no, it aint michael moore)

"Lode Star of the Twenty-First Century" (when you meet him you can say 'what a lode!' and he won't take offense)

"Eternal Bosom of Hot Love" (this one makes me throw up a little)

"Master of the Computer Who Surprised the World" (i thought al gore invented the internet)

"that blows!" you may whine. "i gots me no palaces, no jaba the hut like ladies chained to my fat belly in metal bikinis. gots me no nickname. i hate myself and want to die."

don't be like that, baby. just do like i did. make up your own damn swanky nickname.

have we met? i'm..um..er.. "World's Best Ideal Scholar Slut?" no. "Heaven-Sent Lover of Cream?" "Woman with Encyclopedic knowledge of Pedal Fungi?" oh, man. i can't think of anything good.

call me hank.