total freedom

"yeah, baby, you like it like that? you a dirty little bitch?"

i know he was crestfallen. i know it was mean. i know he was trying to sexxify it up and make it fun and whatever. but how could i not laugh?

it sounded so stupid. he was using that phony 'looove making' voice that they always use in the movies. he was giving me the super serious, 'now we're having sex' eyes. it seemed so ridiculous and forced.

i assumed there was a proper call and response (wave your hands in the air like you just don't care, say 'ho') to his question, but i didn't have it in me to play the role. 'yeah, i'm a dirty bitch. blah blah blah.'

this experience and ones like it led me to believe that i would never be a dirty talker. noises. noises i was always down for, the squeals and low moans and lovely whispers. the slow exhale and the jagged uptake. but the naughty talk, i found--- embarrassing, phony.

then i fell in love. he stroked my face and looked into my eyes, like liquid, and said 'how do you want me to touch you, j?"

and it all bubbled up. all the words and desires and bottled up fantasies that i'd only shared with my pillow flowed out, free and fast and wild with abandon. i used words i never thought my lips would comfortably form. with great ease and fun.

i asked. i demanded. i pleaded. i teased. i egged him on. i may have even called him a dirty bitch. but it was okay because i meant it. i giggled.

he did the same.

and it was the prettiest, best thing you could ask for.

the feeling of total freedom. and someone to share it with.

i miss that.