you are not a winner

my breath mints taunt me.

"sorry, you are not a winner!" its evilly perky box top cheers everytime i open the lid. all i want is a little minty refreshment. not a constant reminder of my non-winnery-ness. i don't even know what prize i have lost.

a million clowns?

a lifetime supply of garlic and kisses?

a guest appearance on the 'full house reunion special?"

i didn't even enter the contest in the first place for chrissakes. not knowingly. just like i didn't enter the yoplait contest- the foil lid encouraged, "try again next time!" try what? to eat more live yogurt cultures? okay, i was going to do that anyway. but thanks.

i am clearly failing miserably as a consumer. everywhere i go i lose. even my diet coke mocks me- "you are not an instant winner! buy more coke!" but the quesion is "why?" what marketing god dreamed up this scenario wherein every product must be at all times running some inane contest with a prize not worth winning so that 99.9991% of the buying public can constantly be reminded of the fact that once again they are NOT WINNING?

is it for the pure joy the .00009% of a person will feel when they finally pop that top to reveal a certificate for a shiny new bmx bike and a case of fritos, redeemable by mail-in-rebate-void-where-prohibited-minus-tax-and-licensing? do they really think most people purchase that sierra mist mainly for their shot at winning the $50.00 gift certificate to the yarn barn?

now, if you'll excuse me, the california lotto is up to 70 million and i think i've got a real shot at it.

or else i hear skittles has got a pretty good promotion running.

or there's that polo mallet i've been meaning to bash my skull in with.