FUCK! but, okay

her first film is forever linked with the halcyon days following my extreme youth.

we, the group of us, were old enough to know how young we were.

wise enough (barely) to begin to grasp the fact that we didn't know shit.

and hopeful enough to be cool with that.

we'd managed to live through the invincible teenage years, when you believe death will never come for you. heartbreak, bullshit, and pain, yes. but not death.

we understood how lucky we were to be young and vibrant and raging to live. to be gorgeous and fresh and ready to roll.

we took in a midnight showing, then spent the rest of night shooting pool, quoting her best lines, and making out with our respective partners.

her parlance became a part of our lexicon, she was a groove on the record that was soundtracking us all the time.

how can i possibly express what it felt like to sit across from her last night? to have her say she wants to direct something i wrote? to tell a joke and listen to the spark and flicker of her laugh? to hear her enthuse about another film, a role tailor made for her. a role she is going to fight for with every ounce of passion she possesses (and she has stockpiles)?

i said "you'll get it. you have to."

ann asked her "but what if you don't?"

she started "if i don't get it, then..."

she threw her arms in the air in rage and frustration- "FUCK!!"

she let her arms fall simply to her sides, said softly, with acceptance- "but, okay."

give it all your love and energy, if you want it badly. give without shame or fear or reservation. and if it still doesn't happen?

fuck! but okay.

i'll take that.